You tell yourself that things ”should be” the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself,” I should’t have made so many mistakes.”This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days . ” Musts” ” oughts” and ” have tos” are similar offender .
” Should statement ” that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration. ” He shouldn’t be so stubborn and argumentative.”
Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts.as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expexted to do anything.” I shouldn’t eat that doughnut.”
This useually doesn’t work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite.
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Indeed, when are motivated by shoulds we naturally do the exact opposite of what we should do
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So then what should one do ? I’m helpless in this way…
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What we need to do is cultivate the desire to do the things we should do and dwell on the benefits of doing those things (like eat healthy for example) such that the things we should do become the things we want to do and we no longer need to put up a hard fight to do them
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